Can Watching Porn Affect Your Sex Life?

Posted on December 10, 2017 in Uncategorized

Is watching porn okay? If a guy likes to watch porn should his sex partner be concerned? Is it healthy or normal for a guy to watch porn frequently when he has a girl friend and a great sex life?

These are very common questions and concerns in men-women relationships. Let us first clear away some confusion about porn and its effects on building a healthy sexual relationship. A study by a group of scientists at the University of Montreal found that men watched porn that matched their own image of sexuality, and quickly discarded material they found offensive or distasteful. Porn did not have a negative effect on men’s sexuality. Porn hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible. Thus there is nothing abnormal or unhealthy with watching porn as long as we do not get too obsessive to the point that we choose porn over sex with our partner.

If this happens you should consider your feelings about porn. What makes you so obsessive about porn that your partner feels left out? Is it something about your partner that you are not happy with? Is it due to boredom or an escape from a relationship that is steadily losing some “sparks”?

In this case, you need to sit down to talk with your partner about the issues and concerns in the relationship. The talk must be in such a way that it does not lead to the pinning of blame or assigning the causes of the problems in relationship on her. The goal here is to work together with her to solve the problem. Putting the blame on her will only cause her to get defensive and leading to argument. If you find yourself unable to work this out alone, it could be helpful to talk to a counselor or sex therapist.

However in situation when you have a normal sex relationship and both of you has different views on porn and she is not satisfied with the role of porn in your relationship, there is also a need for both of you to sit down and talk. You need to ask yourself what you like about porn. Is it due to fantasy? Are there things you see from porn that you want both to try together? At the same time, she can also sort out her thoughts about porn. Is it something that interests her at all? If so, she can pick those adult movies that meet her individual taste which can later progress to the stage that both of you can together choose the type of porn to watch together. If she does not like the idea of having porn a part of the sexual relationship, she needs to explain the reasons and a compromise is needed in order to break this deadlock. If both of you can honestly share with each other feelings about porn and porn watching, the concern about the effects of porn on relationship can go away.

Same Sex Couples and Child Custody

Posted on December 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

Many same-sex couples choose to start families by having or adopting children. In the event the relationship between partners ends, child custody must be determined as with heterosexual relationships. These situations can be complex especially when one parent is the child’s biological parent and the other is not. Each state has individual laws regarding same-sex adoption so it is important to know your state’s laws and the best way to protect your parental status in your same-sex relationship.

In order to protect your parental rights to a child, in a same-sex relationship, you should make sure you are a “legal parent.” A legal parent has a duty to provide for a child, the right to live with the child (full or part-time) and the right to make decisions on his/her behalf. In some states, same-sex couples are permitted to jointly adopt a child therefore they both become legal parents. In cases where one partner is the biological parent, the biological parent automatically becomes the parent. In lesbian partnerships, often one partner is the biological mother and carries the child, making her the legal parent. In gay men partnerships, one partner may be the sperm donor (the child carried by a surrogate) making him the biological or parent. Many states allow the non-biological same-sex partner to adopt the child through the second-parent or step-parent adoption process. The second-parent adoption process allows the same-sex partner to also claim the parent role.

When same-sex relationships end and children are involved, often the courts get involved to determine custody arrangements. If both parents are legally the parents, most courts will handle child custody in the same way they would with a heterosexual relationship. The non-biological parent, who has a legal relationship with the child, will have rights similar to those of a father in a heterosexual relationship. In some cases, the non-biological parent is awarded custody because it is in the best interest of the child. Problems with custody can arise if only one partner is a legal parent. Many courts will say that the non-legal parent has few if any rights to the child in the case of separation. In some cases, the courts have allowed the legal or biological parent to deny the non-legal parent contact with the child. Some more progressive courts will look beyond the legal parental status to examine the history and relationship formed between the child and partner, when determining child custody.

In a few states, same-sex partner adoption is prohibited. It may not be possible for a non-biological parent to gain full parental status. If you live in a state where you are not permitted to adopt your partner’s biological child, you should attempt to protect yourself and your parental role in the event of separation down the road. One way to do this is by establishing a parenting agreement. This agreement will not necessarily stand up in court, but may help you work with your partner in the case of separation. A parenting agreement usually establishes that although only one partner is the legal parent, you both consider yourself equal parents and assume the responsibilities associated with your parental roles. It should include that you intend to co-parent even if the relationship comes to an end. It would be advantageous to also include information about financial responsibility and visitation/custody agreements in case of separation. This parenting agreement can be used in court as ammunition to support a non-legal parent’s quest for child custody/visitation.

If you would like more information about your state’s laws and same-sex couple adoption, you should contact a family law attorney. An experienced family law attorney can inform you of your state’s laws on same-sex adoption and the best way to protect yourself in your same-sex parenting relationship.


Why Many Women Don’t Think About Sex

Posted on December 6, 2017 in Uncategorized

Laverne wrote the following to me:

“I have never had thoughts that picture me making love with my husband – or anyone else for that matter. I imagine connection, fun and feelings of love but never making love. If it was left up to me sex would never be on the agenda, just because it would never occur to me to make love. I know when my husband would like to make love, and I enjoy it when I do make love, but it would never cross my mind if he didn’t initiate. I feel I am missing being aware and connected to a part of me. Surely a reasonably balanced and mostly connected human being should have some sort of sex drive. Your thoughts and insights would be really appreciated. Thank you.”

Laverne is not alone in her experience. I hear this same thing from many of my women clients.

However, many women do think about romance, which can lead to sex. Women tend to think more about the process of intimacy – of fun, connection, and sharing feelings of love – rather than about the result. In fact, for many women focusing on the result is a turnoff.

The fact that Laverne can enjoy sex when her husband initiates it indicates that there is nothing wrong with her sexuality. It’s just that it’s not separate from her feelings of love and connection. It doesn’t occur to her to make love because her sexuality mostly emerges from her emotional connection with her husband. Some women, but not all, do experience a biological push toward sex during their ovulation. But even then, for most women, it needs to be in the context of emotional intimacy.

And herein lies the major difference between men and women – testosterone. While some women have higher than normal testosterone levels, most don’t, which means that most women are not biologically driven regarding having sex. Not so for most men. Testosterone creates the biological sex drive in men, while love, intimacy and romance often lead to women feeling sexual.

It would be helpful for our relationships if we all could accept that women who don’t think about having sex are generally not imbalanced or disconnected from their bodies.

What would happen in relationships if both men and women accepted that men are often more biologically driven and women are often more emotionally driven? Perhaps this could lead to deep appreciation for each other. There is truly nothing wrong with men for generally being more biologically driven than women, and there is nothing wrong with women for generally being more emotionally driven then many men. (Of course, none of this is always true, as some women are more biologically driven than their man, and some men are more emotionally driven then their woman. And these differences can just as easily show up in same-sex relationships).

If Laverne stops judging herself for not thinking about sex, and values what she contributes to their relationship, then perhaps she can also value her husband for his biology and for being the one to initiate sex. If her husband completely embraces his biology, perhaps he can fully appreciate what Laverne brings to the relationship regarding fun, love and connection. And he might be more wiling to tap into his ability to be romantic once he accepts this as a vital part of their relationship. By valuing themselves and each other for what they each bring to their sexual relationship, their differences can be a blessing for them rather than creating conflict.